How can I know you, if I don't know myself
by S0n 0f J3r1ch0
Summary: "You don't know me". You're right, I don't know you. But how could I, if I don't know myself? A present too hard to stand, a compromised future that grows more difficult every day, and the fear of not being strong enough, will take Beck far from everything he believed he loved. Until it will come the moment to ask if it's really worth to come back and fight.
1. I - Prologue

**I - Prologue**

Too many sleepless nights.

Too many nights spent in vane trying to solve that unexpected enigma.

Breaking the rigid silence that was embracing his home, he tiredly rolled himself in the bed, facing the light on the cabinet: 2:10.

He blinked a couple of times, hoping he saw something wrong.

Still 2:10.

He spitted out some insults in Spanish, language acquired from far and ancient relatives, while he nervously rolls again in the bed and pushed his back on the mattress.

History was repeating again, like a bad scene from a B-movie.

He passed his hand on the face, rubbing his eyes to release the eyelids tension, and he stood up.

"There was nothing I could do anyway", he thought, taking the first t-shirt he found. He walked to the kitchen, enlightened by the moon adamant reflex.

In the middle of the hallway, his steps leaded him in front of the window. He moved the curtains aside and pull his face close to the glass, and the gaze started to run toward the dark and silent horizon.

\- I must be the only one awake in six blocks. - he whispered smiling, while a sorrowful sigh flew out from his lips.

In the past few weeks, two by now, it had been happening more and more frequently: waking up when the alarm clock showed just a few minutes after midnight, and falling back to sleep only at sunrise.

And that night was not an exception.

He reached the kitchen table and refuges back to its ritual, which he would rather interrupt, by the way: a cup of warm milk where to drown all the lost sleeping hours.

While he held the cup in his hand, he glanced at the fridge like a magnet, and did the only thing he could do in the middle of the night: think.

He couldn't realize it at the beginning.

He was naïve, maybe too much for a guy like him, the first times he found himself looking at the digital numbers flowing; he didn't care so much about it, he thought it was a coincidence, maybe one of the many sleeping upsets the psychics talk so much about.

He found out there was something tormenting him, only the night he went out for a walk, alone in the wood listening to the voice of his own conscience.

From that point on, each minute he was awake, it was a new piece of the puzzle finding its place.

It was like standing against a dark presence, with no name or face, who hided inside him to orchestrate in the darkness.

A missing details from the bigger picture.

A thought. Just one, powerful, that was grown, and he didn't even notice how or when.

And just when he was finally able to see trough the haze, that profile without contours became clear. With a face and a name that, unfortunately, he knew even too well.

A truth he unconsciously decided to hide in some remote corner of his mind, a truth he couldn't ignore anymore.

He knew he had a problem. A big one. A problem he hoped he would never have to face again.

He slammed the side door of the car with all the strength that was left in his arm, with the echo of his frustration resounding trough the trees.

He leaned on to reflect himself in the rear-view mirror: red eyes, deep dark circles around them, and a not so lucid look.

Nothing different from yesterday.

"You're a mess, Beck", he thought. He passed a hand trough his hair, trying to shake off another sleepless night. Maybe his famous hair was the only thing that was still standing in him.

He leaned the hand to the key but, when it came the moment to start the car, an hesitation made him stop at mid air.

Another day to spent carrying that burden. It didn't matter how much he tried to placate it or making it less incessant, he could never leave it at home. It would have seat beside him and it would have followed him all the day, just like the past two weeks.

He turned the key with a rude gesture that almost broke it, and hit the gas to Hollywood Arts, while the engine roaring covered his hears and the voices in his head.

The burning sun that was flaming Los Angeles roads was becoming every morning more annoying.

Maybe because his tired eyed could filter it right, or maybe because, instinctively, it was representing a signal even too peaceful for his bad mood.

He was driving with the hands distractively placed on the wheel of his beautiful yellow Pontiac GTO, keeping the gaze on the street, and not caring about what was surrounding him.

Only when he was overtaken by an old ice-cream truck, and received a hoot from the car following him, Beck realized he was going really slow. And yet, he was not surprised by that.

He perfectly knew what was holding him.

It was the oppressive weight of the thoughts that violently rushed throughout his mind. It was that claw on the stomach that, morning after morning, was eating a bit of his confidence, and that had lead him to be afraid of staring a new day at school.

Being afraid for what it could have happened.

For him. For her.

He could never imagine he could feel something like this. And maybe, now he had enough.

He tied the grab on the wheel and pushed the gas pedal, outrunning the car behind him and almost flying by the ice-cream truck.

The yellow GTO, recognizable by everyone, by girls in particular, arrived skidding at the Hollwood Arts parking lot, leaving a well visible contrail on the concrete.

Beck glanced at the watch: he still had a few minutes before that weird ring bell would force him to enter.

He was just about to check inside his backpack, when her vision, a few meters from the car, captured his attention.

Without have noticed his presence, Jade and Cat were heading to the front door steps; the dark girl was laughing out her stomach, while her friend with red fire hair was frowning and had her arms crossed.

His mouth moved into a grind: he wouldn't be surprised if Jade made some bad joke about her or her brother.

But looking at his girlfriend under that light, so apparently happy, he felt the claw loosing of a few centimetres.

At least, there weren't any traces of the fight they had last night left in her.

He waited, without taking his eyes off her, until she disappeared behind the glass doors. Then he stepped out the car and headed to the institute.

 _Easy is boring_ , he said once upon a time.

But now, only he knows how much he wanted things to be that easy.

He always thought she was the part he was missing, and that he found to complete himself.

But what if she was the card that would make him bust and break the deck?


	2. II - We all look to the shining light

**II - We all look to the shining light**

He decided to pass the school doorstep from the back entrance, eventually used by janitors and by who doesn't want to be in the middle of attention.

The less people he would meet, the better it was.

After a couple of hallways crowded with unexciting people, he heard clear and loud, behind the corner which would lead to the main hall, his friend's voices who meet before lesson.

Beck stopped before he was seen, he leaned against the wall and started to listen.

Cat's recognizable and shrilling laugh was the higher pick, followed by usual Rex's joke about Robbie; then Andre got his way in: - For how long are you gonna bring this puppet with you? -

\- Until the night I get to be a stand-up comedian in a prime time show. -

\- I get it, we're gonna see it 'til retiring. -

When Robbie started complaining about their lack of trust in his quality, Beck stepped away from the wall, pulled his jeans jacket sleeves up, drew a plastic smile on his face and got ready for showdown.

He put more breath than what he expected in that "Ehi, guys", adjusting then the aim, and raising his hand in a calmer way to say hi.

But when his look crossed Jade's eyes, who was waiting for him whit no feelings on her face, he ran out of breath again.

\- Where have you been, Beck? Outside searching for mushrooms? - Andre's welcoming irony got lost in the air, as Beck wasn't even going to listen him.

He was captured by Jade's eyes, during intense seconds where no one was going to let the other one go.

She strongly erased the distance between them, hitting Robbie with the shoulder for some space, and she stopped in front of Beck.

Her arms gently around his neck, her lips softly landing on his, ending in a passionate kiss.

A kiss that Beck wasn't able to taste completely, despite his dream of lasting forever.

\- Hi. - she whispered, pulling away her mouth and staring at him. But when he found lost in those eyes, deeper than sea, he realized he wasn't capable of finding even the simplest word.

Because those eyes, which have always strengthen him, now were tearing his walls down.

\- You guys! - yelled Tori peaking from above Andre's shoulder, in a weird mix of euphoria and anxiety. - We need to go, Mrs. Hawkes is already waiting for us in the class. You two, love-birds! - she told to Beck and Jade to drag them away from their own private world.

A bit annoyed by Tori's voice, Jade stepped to follow the rest of the group to the class, abandoning Beck with stone feet on the floor staring at her leaving back.

"Then let's go" he thought before being able to move.

Andre, last of the line, noticed that his friend was left behind, all but convinced. - Everything all right, Beck? - he asked, stopping in front of him.

Beck masked behind a fake smile, which he managed to make convincing enough. He hated to lie to one of his best friends, but he couldn't help it, just like the last ten days. It wasn't the moment of truth yet. - Yeah, I'm fine. - he answered abruptly, before he walked to the class with Andre.

She seemed like she already moved on. He, on the other side, kept collecting all these stones which was building a mountain harder to climb every day.

Counting who was there just for presence, who was taking a nap and who had his head in the clouds, there were probably only a few who was actually listening to Mrs. Hawkes', sing techniques teacher, lesson.

Middle aged lady, classy and always impeccable, she was considered one of the most respected person in Hollywood Arts. The bad side was that her lessons were so boring to look like weeks, at the point that, one day, someone narrated to have seen even Rex falling asleep.

Knowing to be approaching the end of the school year had made the miracle with only a bunch of students, while most of them easily kept ignoring her subjects.

Cracking the collective numbness, caused by her explaining the diaphragm for the millionth time, the door suddenly opened, like a fresh air wind, bringing Sikowitz on the doorstep.

\- Guys, you got to come to my theatre room! - he announced excited, not caring about the fire glance that Mrs. Hawkes was launching him.

\- Mr. Sikowitz, did you realize you just interrupted my lesson? -

\- Sure. - he replied, showing apathy.

\- He saved us! - a murmured voice intervened from the bottom of the class.

\- I haven't even knocked, by the way. But this more important for sure. - continued Sikowitz.

Irritated, Mrs. Hawkes grumbled and crossed her arms. - Seriously? Are you sure you haven't even considered retiring yet? -

\- Of course I have, but I'm waiting for you. - he threw that scathing remark without even looking at her, while irreverent laughs raised from the background.

\- Come with me, I have an important announce to make. - ended the professor, before disappearing behind the walls.

The guys started to look each other in confusion and ask for explanations, and when Mrs. Hawkes realized she lost even the tiny bit of attention she believed to have, she nodded and agreed. - Whatever, go. -

While Cat, together with a lot of other students, was running out of the room, Tori stood up and move towards Andre, sat beside Robbie and in front of Beck and Jade. - What will be that about? -

\- I dunno - her friend discreetly pointed Mrs. Hawkes with the head. - But it sure won't be worse than this. -

In many years of teaching, the room where Sikowitz was used to take his acting classes had never filled so quickly like that day.

It could be either the hope of breaking out from Mrs. Hawkes, or the prelude of his announce actually hit the mark, he thought standing in the middle of the stage.

When everyone had found a place sit, he finally began to talk.

\- Only a few weeks away from your final exams… -

\- Thanks for the remind! - yelled Rex, whose mouth was immediately shut by Robbie, while Andre shook his head in disbelief.

\- So that means I have the power to reject you. - he replied to the puppet, then he got more serious. - But for this year, your last one at Hollywood Arts, we prepared a big surprise. The institute has been rewarded with a huge opportunity, for all the work accomplished in these years. And only this morning became official. -

\- What's this about? - Tori asked, impatiently .

Sikowitz reached the bottom of the stage and brought a wheeled case with a monitor on top of it.

\- California's Arts Department has allocated a lot of money to represent a theatre comedy… -

\- Here at school? - he was interrupted by Tori again.

\- No… - Sikowitz, peacefully smiling, pushed a key on the remote and the screen presented a picture of a sky view of an enormous structure. - The show will take place at the utmost famous Comedy Dreaming, in Los Angeles. -

Almost the entire class was left dumbfounded: that theatre was ranked in the USA Top 5, just after Broadway.

\- I forgot to add one thing. - Sikowitz continued. - But from the look on your faces I get that you already understood: you're gonna play! -

A happiness chorus, hold by breath 'til that moment just to be sure to not be disappointed, rushed out of their mouths.

Robbie raised Rex in the air, Tori leaned to hug Andre, while Beck and Jade were finally able to share their first sincere look of the morning.

\- And I'm not done! - the professor ran again. - Considering the massive amount of work that this show is gonna cause, according with the other teachers, it's been decided that, whoever's gonna play, will be prevented from being examined on the other subjects. -

Even at a lower tone, the crowd expressed all of its considerable rejoice.

\- And last… - Sikowitz pushed another key on the remote, showing a purple sign with a white C and a S in the middle. The guys stayed silent waiting for explanations, which Sikowitz delayed with cruel suspense. - The show will be prime time live on network! -

Another rush of exclamation started, blocked by the teacher this time.

\- Unfortunately… - he said, changing expression, and in that moment even the smiles on student's faces disappeared. - The number of playable roles is not as high as we thought. That means that not everyone of you will participate, and who will be left out, is going to have all the other tests. -

He grabbed a red folder with a pen and passed it to a guy in the first line. - Audition will take place tomorrow afternoon, here in the school theatre. Sign up on this paper and give me the folder back by tomorrow morning. -

\- And what about the roles? - asked Andre.

\- This time you won't be choosing the part to play. It will be a blindfolded audition: only when you'll get on stage, you will know which role have been assigned, basing on the evaluations of us teachers. - Sikowitz ended, and left in front a collective desolation. The ability this man had, to turn good news into bad news in no time, was incredible.

Tori reached the folder, but before she could even take a look at it, she felt Jade grabbing it out of her hands. Complaining was totally useless.

Jade quickly turns to Beck. - We're signing it, aren't we? -

Beck nodded: rarely he'd seen Jade so excited for someone. It could be an amazing opportunity, and maybe, it could have been a way to help both of them. - Sure. -

He hadn't stopped thinking about it for not even a second, since he saw her that morning, at lesson and now at lunch.

Beck, hardly swallowing, studied again Jade's expression, so hard to decrypt.

Had she already moved on? Weren't there left any signs of what happened? Was he the only one who kept feeling bad for their of last night? Was that possible?

He came to say no to himself, maybe hanging to their usual back and forth situation: they got mad, they fought, then later everything made it up and ended in a passionate kiss, passing them by 'til the next time.

Since the last two weeks, though, Beck had been feeling like something had changed.

Something that wasn't allowing him to forget their fights, but just hiding them behind a mask that he had to wear every single morning.

Andre and Tori's coming in, luckily or not, moved him far from these thoughts. His friend sat next to him, while the girl stayed up staring at Jade.

\- Jade. - she asked for her attention, but Jade wasn't paying any. - Jade, can I have the folder back? -

Jade, now having also Beck and Andre's eyes on her, stopped eating and finally raised her look up. - What are you talking about, Vega? -

\- I know everybody singed to attend tomorrow's auditions: you, Beck, Andre, Robbie and Cat. Even Rex signed with an X! But when I came to put my name on it, the folder was gone! -

\- Apparently you needed to be faster. - she said with sufficiency.

\- I've been told they saw you putting it into your purse, and then nobody knew anything else. Let me guess: if I'm searching inside your purse, am I going to find it? -

\- There's no way you're going to rummage into my purse. -

\- So you don't have it, right? - asked her Andre, while Beck had frowned, unaware and dumb.

\- Oh, no… - Jade leaned and grabbed her purse. - It's so true. - she declared, taking the folder out and proudly showing it.

In the same time, Robbie joined the table. - Ehi, what… -

Beck, without being noticed, stopped him right on time and told him to sit quiet.

\- Why would you take it? - Andre asked.

Jade's voice got bitter. - Why? Because every time there has been a casting for a play, Tori ended up as the main actress, with me left to have meaningless roles or, even worse, as her substitute. But this time I'm not gonna let this opportunity slip through my hands. That's the reason why I'm not gonna let you attend the audition and take the role away from me! -

\- We don't even know if and for which roles we'll be selected! - yelled Tori in disbelief. - Why can't be just the best of us to win? -

\- Right. - said Andre. - And don't you think everybody deserve a chance? -

\- Not her. - cut down Jade, then dropping into a silence that smelled like refuse.

\- Give me the folder. - ordered Tori, walking closer to her with no fear.

Jade, stepping up to face her, threw her a challenge glance and a vicious smile. - Do you want it? Come get it. -

\- Come on, girls… - Robbie tried to calm them down, in the most useless try in history.

Surprisingly, Tori accepted Jade's provocation and threw herself to the folder, trying to tear it off her hands.

A strength showdown started between the two girls, tugging each other, and no one seems to take advantage on the other. At least until Jade smartly dropped the hold: all the pressure applied fired back on her rival, and the edge of the holder hit Tori's left temple, making her slipping and almost falling.

A loud laugh took Jade's spirit, who left the table satisfied by her plan, while Tori, grunting, walked away to the other side, lightly touching the scar, but also taking the folder with her like a trophy.

Alone, Andre threw a blame glance at Beck. - How come you didn't tell her anything? Usually it takes just one word from you and she calms down. Come one, we could have prevented all of this! -

Beck impassively looked at him.

The problem was that he knew Tori was right after all, and so was Andre.

Unfortunately, he also knew that openly standing against Jade would lead her to get mad at him. And now, having to face another battle without enough strength, was the last thing he wanted.

On the other side, defending Jade might reveal her weakness in front of their friends' eyes, and even in that case, he wouldn't be totally safe.

That's the reason why he decided not to step up.

He stood up, showing his back to his buddies and walking away with low eyes. - I didn't make it. - he confessed.

At the long and liberating ring bell, the students sky rocketed to the doors and to their cars.

Beck took it slower, thinking of how that day hadn't been so bad after all.

He was almost at the parking lot, playing with the GTO keys in his hand, when he was approached by Jade.

\- Are you driving me home? - she asked, even though that question looked more like a real pretension.

\- I think your brother was driving you, in these days. -

\- He couldn't, this afternoon. You got a problem with that? - she insinuated raising her voice tone of an octave.

\- Nope. -

Getting in the car, though, Jade hesitated, leaving Beck with the door in his hand at mid air. - Why didn't you step up for me earlier? -

Beck hoped to have heard wrong. - What? -

\- With Tori, while she was accusing me, you were just standing there to observe. - her voice got meaner. - You don't see her as the perfect main actress, do you? Maybe in place of me? -

\- Never said anything like that! - he protested, looking for some way to maintain control.

\- Yeah, sure… - she let it go in disgust, sitting in the car. She violently shut the door behind her back and closed herself in a cold silence predicting storm.

Beck followed her inside, suppressing a sigh.

It couldn't work this way.

He couldn't keep avoiding every fight for ever. Because otherwise, sooner or later, that bomb was going to blow up at the wrong time and in the wrong place.

He could just hold on for now, at least until he figured out what to do.


End file.
